Squidward is Bisexual. This is the Hill I Will Die On.

 Earlier this morning, I saw a post where there were a bunch of people arguing about which candidate for the 2020 election different Spongebob characters would vote for. Unsurprisingly, the conclusion they came to was that Bubble Bass and Squilliam Fancison would be the only characters to vote for Lord Dampnut. The part of the post I take issue with is a really, really dumb thing to fixate on, but the reasoning for Squidward voting for the other candidate, you know, that guy, was that he's a gay clarinet player; something that lord dampnut is opposed to. The problem is, Squidward is bisexual, not gay. It doesn't make much difference, but I'm going to make my case anyway.

𝓔𝔁𝓱𝓲𝓫𝓲𝓽 𝓐:

In the episode "Squilliam Returns" (The "fine dining and breathing" episode), Squidward is very clearly intimidated by Squilliam. So much so that he says, "Okay Squidward, just, imagine him in his underwear". Who does that? Who is afraid of one person in particular and says "I'm going to imagine him in his underwear to make him less scary"??????????????

Anyway, Squidward imagines this:

 

And follows with:

 

I think that this is really funny. Other than that, I don't really believe that Squidward would imagine Squilliam like this unless he were already attracted to him to some extent. Squidward, in all of his artist/clarinet player angst, imagines Squilliam as some out of reach, ideal male Octopus, and in other episodes, wishes that he could be like Squilliam, stoking a rivalry. Let's be real: Rivalries are not straight. There will always be a certain amount of homoeroticism present in any same-sex rivalry scenario. That's reality. You have to live with it.

Okay, so we have established that Squidward is attracted to Squilliam, but what about the other direction? That's simple really. In the episode, "Love That Squid" Squidward meets Squilvia in a scenario that looks somewhat like this:

 

The whole episode is about Squidward being nervous about going on a date with Squilvia, whom he is very obviously attracted to. 

Besides the very obvious episodes that demonstrate his bisexuality, he has all of the characteristics of a bisexual: Bitter, overdramatic, constantly tired, "tea with a lemon", over-intense (remember that snow episode?), plays clarinet, ridiculously awkward, goes out of his way to make a point. It's all there.

I rest my case. If you see any of the characteristics of bisexuality and say "Hey, I do that and I'm not bi!" I might have some news for you. That's it. The end. Go away and have gay thoughts at the gym or something.