Something.

 Is being unhinged a job? Is being absolutely silly something that I could make into a career? 

Obviously, the answer is yes. There are plenty of people who start a youtube channel and then immediately get sponsored by nordvpn or raid shadow legends or audible-remember when audible was sponsoring people? Other people thought that was gross, right? Do audio books work for anybody? It feels like it's impossible to retain any meaningful information when I'm listening to the boom rather than absorbing it with my sight orbs.

I understand that for some people it's easier to listen to a book rather than reading it, but how? I get bored so fast that I start dissociating and the story gets turned on its head. I started listening to the first book in the Witcher saga and and it broke me. I'm pretty sure someone died. In the book. Not real life... Maybe in real life? I couldn't hear anything and Minot is a sketchy city.

That's just neurodivergent brain I guess. Apparently my brain does the same kind of thing that ADHD brains do where they have really strange thought processes with no direct pathway. The best example I can think of right now is bad, but bear with me. Someone may be talking about how they had oatmeal for breakfast and I'll be like, "My favorite color for socks is green," with no logical explanation. What's probably happening in my brain is something like this:

Me: "mmm. They had oatmeal for breakfast. I love oatmeal."

Brain: (That's what I thought you'd say you dumb fucking horse)

Me: "Hmm... horses live on farms. Farms are where oatmeal is grown."

Brain: (The farmers probably have to get up early to tend to the oat)

Me: "Explain"

Brain: (Oat farm takes lots of effort. Time is required)

Me: "That makes sense. I wonder what they do to get ready in the morning?"

Brain: (Boot are probably involved)

Me: "They probably need good socks to make sure they don't wear out super fast"

Brain: (What color are sock?)

Me: "I like green."

Or something like that. It's surprising that anything gets done around here. It's of note that my horrible monkey brain does this on top of everything else. I'm literally playing Animal Crossing right now as I'm typing this. I'm also texting five people. All of these things requires my full attention. I'm also listening to music, but that doesn't count because I wasn't following along with the lyrics in my mind. The excessive need for dopamine is strong with this one. That's why impulse purchases happen. Did I need two more decks of cards? No. Did they make me slightly happy for a brief period of time? Absolutely. Are they currently making me happy? Not unless I also get them out to use them, but that would take away from making wishes on stars in Animal Crossing and I have to text Chris, Lilly, and my sister back. I don't have the time.

Sometimes my brain goes in the opposite direction, though, and doesn't want to do anything. On these days I sit on my bed and do something I don't want to do because it's easier than doing something I don't want to do than doing the things I need to do and want to do even less than what I'm doing. It makes me wish I could just stop, but then I would be bored and brain doesn't like that so it makes me do pointless and numb activity. 

And that's my life. A constant tug of war between doing too much and doing too little. I rarely win. My brain wins pretty much every time. It's worse when I'm caffeinated. Then I do things I don't want to do faster with more dissociation. I can usually do stuff that I need to but don't want to if  I'm caffeinated, though. Don't even get me started on sugar. I don't want more sweets because they will make me sick, but thinky machine demands dopamine.  

Why does life gotta be rough?

I didn't edit this because I'm playing Animal Crossing. If you're mad, who cares? Sue me.