Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Life is Boring

My sister sent me a link to a video by a guy named Brian David Gilbert. He's a guy who does some very interesting things. He's actually super relatable because the concepts that he centers his skits around are not really that funny, but the way he executes them is funny. Like in this video.
It's such a weird freaking video but holy crap. My favorite part is when Brian just does a bunch of double takes, and Patrick does the thing where his shoes jump off screen in opposite directions. That's the best video editing I've seen in months.

He also has a video where he constructs the legend of Zelda timeline, and he ties it all together with the legend of Zelda monopoly. How do you do that? How do you mix all of this together with a monopoly spin-off? He also made a ranking of the top sexiest Castlevania monsters? I understand that one even less than the monopoly one. In the top ten, he has what's called a bitterfly (A skull with butterfly wings) ??????????????????????

Additionally, he read all of the books in Skyrim. All of them. All 820 of them. I know he got his job voluntarily but sometimes I really worry about his well-being. They basically just lock him in a studio for multiple hours until there's content. That is one way to do it I guess.

Then there's Chris Fleming. Their videos are just.....

These are things that if someone just told you about it, they would be really boring. That's the whole point of this type of humor. If you're life is boring you make it interesting. Without some context, the gifs above are really weird and can be hilarious. The new shoes thing is just weird in general. Who would think to figure out what the hottest Castlevania monster is?  That video remains to be the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I'm not going to link to it, but it ends with him throwing himself into the ocean. May I daresay call that a mood Mr. Sir?

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

College is Dumb

So recently it has come to my attention that college is ridiculous. In this context recently means within the past 3 years. If we go to a normal school for like 12 years before going to college, why do we need to take general classes? Why can't we just have specialized classes for the field we want to pursue? The answer to that is probably the following:
It's really blurry because of reasons. Thanks Lincoln.
Really though. I want to be able to do stuff that I like doing without paying thousands of dollars for it. What the HEHCK. Where else am I going to be able to sing in a large group? How else am I going to be able to scream on multiple different instruments at the same time and afford it? How else am I going to do math with an actual goal in mind? How else am I going to do science without directly needing a license to purchase chemicals? That's crazy.

How in the heck am I supposed to do things that I enjoy doing without going to college? Sure I could apply for positions, or do auditions for things, but that takes a lot of time and energy. If I'm in poverty for the rest of my life I don't want to spend all my time doing things that will be extremely stressful while doing other things like work.

So I have resolved that I'll be a mountain man. I'll live in the Yukon somewhere and nobody will expect anything of me. That's the life.

Friday, November 30, 2018

I Promise that I Actually Wrote Legislation Today

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Bauer I'm so sorry. I did actually write legislation today


Here's what it's supposed to look like. Blogger made me very disappointed today.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Thanksgiving Post

I don't have an interesting blog topic
But I do have this teenage mutant ninja turtles cupImage result for teenage mutant ninja turtles cup


So Thanksgiving sucks (It took me like four tries to type that sentence)
Does anyone actually like turkey? It's so dry it's just not even worth it. That is not the point of this post though. I'm going to tell you about the most hilarious thing ever regarding Thanksgiving.

So its like the 1600's and the pilgrims just landed on the land that they illegally immigrated to. They start building some things. They're super busy building some houses because it's winter and that means that they're also busy dying (Very efficiently might I add). These freaking weirdos forgot that they needed food or something???? That's wack

So spring comes around and they've built some things. They're still all starving though. Here enters the Wampanoag tribe. Particularly Tisquantum, whom they called Squanto (As Squanto was not actually his name it's not going to be written that way. Get over it.) Tisquantum teaches them some stuff about fishing and growing some things particularly corn.

Now we have the fun part. The pilgrims have a feast with the Wampanoag tribe and we call it thanksgiving because they were giving thanks to the tribe that kept them from dying. But after the huge celebration, Tisquantum was like, "Yoooooo, we're outta here," and the pilgrims were like, "We owe you our lives."

So here we are many months later. The pilgrims are still dying efficiently. What went wrong? Absolutely nothing. The Wampanoag people taught them how to survive off the land. What they didn't teach them was how to survive off the corn.

If you were to utilize your google-fu, you would realize very quickly that corn does not have pretty much any nutritional value. Did the pilgrims know this? Absolutely not, these guys had no idea what corn was until like a year ago. The Wampanoag tribe however, did know this. They didn't know this in modern terms, but they knew. Contrary to popular belief, Native tribes were not stupid and still aren't stupid. They knew that to get nutrition from the corn, you had to make homminy by soaking the corn in lye. Tisquantum absolutely wrecked the pilgrims, and I'm convinced he knew what white settlers would do to them in the future.

And that concludes what is probably the most savage ownage in all of history. Have a good hecking thanksgiving.


Addendum:
I'm going to say right now that the pilgrims were actually very good to the Wampanoag people. They had no idea how the lack of this information would effect them. The two groups had an alliance for many years, and the loss of life among the settlers was a very bad thing. They lost over half of everyone that had initially sailed to America. Tisqauntum obviously did not do this on purpose.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

I write things sometimes

I write dumb stories sometimes. That's the basis of this whole post.
Recently I've been writing some things that are thematically similar with interpretations of tarot cards. Tarot cards are also kind of dumb so really I guess my dumb stories do them full justice. That is all, and here is the most recent one:

In the old days there was a town that contained a great market. A town in a place along the great sea and past the iron downs that bustled with activity every day; A sea of exchanges. Coins turning hands, goods given in exchange, words passed from person to person. Through the exchange of all, perhaps the most wonderful cane from a man that lived in the middle of it all.
  In the morning, he would watch from the rooftops, his eyes jewels that reflected the liveliness of all he saw. As soon as the market opened, he was among the people in the square, asking for coin. In exchange, he would give what was needed. A poor man given house for the night, or a woman reunited with a lost child. The man made these things a reality without a second thought. Kindness in exchange for kindness.
  And every night as the suns retreat saw the close of the market, he would return to the rooftops, watching the Sun's death, and waiting for the birth of the moon.
    Every night he would visit a tavern to give the coin he had taken in the day. Nothing in exchange for the hollowness found in the cold metal. The keeper of the taverns say nothing and take the coin graciously, knowing he would have it no other way. The man would then take board, to which there would be no complaint. Kindness in return for kindness. The cycle completed.

  The morning once again came, as did the market. There were shopkeepers set up peddling their wares, and mothers with children perusing and haggling. But on this day, the man was nowhere to be seen. It was not spoken, but every man at the market felt this loss. The crippling emptiness as if a friend had no words, or if a lover gave no hand to be held.
    And for the first time, the market came to a gradual stop. An impasse shown in the lack of someone in need. Resolved to find him, the people at the marketplace overran the stalls of goods, ran through every street with a common goal. The man watched this procession, a sense of completeness, but also one of sadness at their passion in searching.
   The people reached the end of the city in their journey for the warmth of the joy the man brought. Seeing nothing else, they found nothing but the cold and misery of a fruitless search. The warmth they knew was no longer, the last alley leading them to the coldness of death.
   The man lay with a knife through his heart, and a missing coin purse. His life taken with his little wealth as if they were the same. The children wept, their mothers unable to hide their shock. The keepers of the shops could find no words as they carried him back to the square. It was there that they rose the stone that made the main street. Digging a place to put their grief to rest.
  The gathered the coin that he had given, all of it unspent and lay it in the grave with him. Watching his simple life buried under stone. United once again in warmth, escaping in each other from the cold world. He watched this with a smile and took to flight, escaping limitless, into the air. A life lived in poverty, rightfully departed in wealth.

I'm not going to link where I post these because the place I post them is also dumb. There isn't anywhere else for it though. I'm also not going to assume that you want to read any more of them because it's rude to make assumptions and also they're not super great. They could be better but meh. Drink some hot cocoa or something and enjoy the snow. If there is no snow when you're reading this, recall a time when there was snow. Now mentally superimpose the snow onto everything around you. Now have some hot cocoa, and enjoy the snow.

Fourth of July post

Now you could say you love the fourth of July, but at this point in my life, it seems like a pointless ritual that we perform every year. "People died to colonize this country," "Cool let's set some things on fire to celebrate." It just seems to get so stale after a while. If I'm spending money to buy things to set on fire, it has to be FUN at the very least.

That's not even the end of it. Sometimes these fireworks are super dangerous. Apparently there's like 8 deaths every single year because of fireworks. What the actual heck people, stop being so stupid. There's also like those various banned fireworks that are super cool but become illegal after being out for like 2 hours. Things like those Chinese floating lanterns that look super cool. And bottle rockets. Apparently these things are super dangerous because they can fly in pretty much any direction, but if you're not being stupid about it, you're not going to get hit by a bottle rocket. Although really can you expect people to be smart about it? There's always a choice in fireworks. You can launch them safely, or you can launch them the fun way. That is unless launching them safely is the fun way. The key to happiness is lowered expectations.
But I have to get to the point now. If I don't somebody will find this post and hiss in disgust when it just trails off into oblivion.

A few years ago, I think it was like 2014, my sister lived with us still. My sister also has some leg problems. That happened a long time ago but the gist of it is that she had to have her Achilles tendon stretched. The takeaway from this is that she can't run very well. That can cause some severe issues if you're ever in a dangerous situation.

Now it's the fourth of July. We never get a huge amount of stuff, but it was a decent amount. Imagine a decent amount of fireworks. Now imagine less than that. That is our decent amount of fireworks. Among these particular explosion things, there was one called Halley's comet. This thing was awesome. We didn't see what it did beforehand, and we never found it again, but it was great. Maybe we haven't found it again because it's illegal now or something.

Anyway. We set that sucker in the middle of our backyard, and my sister lit it. It send up a flame that spun in a really tight spiral and it was great. If you want to know what it looks like, it was almost like if butterscotch could fly and was also on fire. If you can imagine that I'll give you a high-five. Now think of that flaming and flying butterscotch, and imagine it coming directly at your face at like 30 miles per hour.

Turns out that this particular firework likes to shoot out the side rather than up sometimes. So I'm sitting off to the side a bit, and suddenly a huge spiral of fire shoots directly in my general direction. My sister was standing not quite in it's path, but when she saw it coming she BOOKED IT out of there. She can't run well, but she was GONE. Afterwards she was super freaked out and said, "I could have died!" She had stared death in the face. And death is shaped like a spiral of flaming butterscotch that flies directly at your face.




Wednesday, October 24, 2018

My Extra Teeth

This is a great big warning. If you are uncomfortable at the mention of weird health issues relating to teeth, don't read this.

Sooooooooooo. It's that time again. The time to go to the dentist. The dentist time. The time of the dentist. Does anybody like the dentist? The answer is most definitely a no. But should we dread going to the dentist? That's a completely different topic.

I used to hate going to the dentist, purely because I knew they were going to give me crap about my teeth. I'm kind of salty about that honestly. I show up and pay you thousands of dollars so you can criticize my life choices and stab my mouth for an hour. Thanks, I love that. The other thing I'm mad about is that they always tell me I need to brush my teeth better, but refuse to acknowledge that I have really bad drymouth. If you were to compare my mouth when I wake up in the morning to the Sahara desert, this guy is the winner.

In the morning I get water immediately. I have to. If I didn't, there wouldn't be enough water for any living thing to breathe. I'd absorb all the water and it would kill all the trees. But enough of that. I have come here to tell you that I have extra teeth that the dentist doesn't want to think about.

Imagine this: I walk into the dentists office on some morning. I wait in the lobby, completely unsuspecting, waiting for these people to tell me I'm not flossing my larynx enough, when they call me back for an x-ray. They take an x-ray. The practitioner looks really confused for a second, and tells me that we're going to take another x-ray. They do it. She stares at it for about 5 minutes, and I'm just standing there with my face attached to this wall machine made to probe your skeleton.

Then the rest of the visit goes as normal, but after the stabbing and, "You're bleeding because you don't floss," is over, they call over my present parental unit and they're like, "This little used napkin gots some toofs in the roof." Translation: I had a tooth growing into the roof of my mouth.

The lady said that they could probably guide it into place by pulling the tooth in front of  the spot it was in. So they did that. And then after a while, a new tooth grew into the place they pulled. Here's the real kicker, the tooth is currently chilling in the roof of my mouth. They pulled an adult tooth hoping that the tooth that's chilling in the roof of my mouth would move out, but a new tooth grew in it's place. Not the tooth they wanted, but a COMPLETELY NEW ADULT TOOTH.

And apparently that's called hyperdontia. It doesn't sound pleasant, but it's not that bad I guess. The only downside is finding out that it is usually associated with really bad hereditary diseases that I should probably get checked for now. If you want to read about that for some reason it's here. So I guess learn something new everyday people. Even if what you learned left you with an uncomfortable amount of information about my teeth.

Friday, October 19, 2018

Thought Process

Okay so a while ago I was thinking about really dumb mistakes in coding. I'm talking about those hilarious things with the way things are programmed that just completely break the processes in the code. Things like forgetting parentheses on a line that tells the computer to run the process once and then not coding a command to make it stop the process. The computer basically kills itself. It tries to run the process, but since it can't stop, it just runs that process over and over and over until it runs out of memory and crashes. That's seriously one of the funniest things ever. These computers are supposed be super smart or something, but they're actually super dumb.

They aren't dumb because they can't do processes correctly. Every computer does exactly what it's programmed to do. Even if what it's programmed to do is run a text script until it crashes. So really, every problem you'll ever have with a computer is not the computers fault. It's most likely your fault. A lot of people don't believe it's their fault though. And thus we get to the topic of today.

Humans are really dumb. This seems to be the only thing directly programmed into our brains. Every single response you have to anything can be equated to the process in a computer. This may be why we find computers so relatable. If I had to write the same sentence over and over for a comparatively long amount of time, I would probably crash too. What this does not account for however is the ability of humans to pack bond with literally everything.

There was a post on twitter where someone got a notification at midnight during a thunderstorm from their roomba. There was a power surge and their roomba got stuck on the base of a fan even though it wasn't supposed to be on, so this person got up, and brought the roomba with them and put them it to bed. They felt that strong bond because their roomba felt so much fear that they had to ensure it was safe.

So that got me thinking: Dogs probably didn't get domesticated the way we think. It was most likely less like, "Hey these things can get food easy. This is beneficial to me as someone who wants to stay alive," and more like, "These things are so small, what a cute baby I want it to love me I will pet it and give it food, its just so smollllllll AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH." Humans will probably be put into universal history for trying to pet everything. Aliens will come to Earth all like, "We come in peace," and the first human to see them will be like, "I wonder if I can pet that."

Anyway. This was actually a very useful evolutionary trait to have because literally the only reason we survived is by working together. We have to continue to work together so we can set a good example for the probably octopus derived species that will inherit the earth. I have to mention, have you noticed how great octopuses are?

Thursday, October 11, 2018

V May be for Vendetta, but M is for Martha Stewart

If you've never heard of Martha Stewart, I envy you with every waking second. If you know baking, you know Martha Stewart. If you know stove top cooking, you know Martha Stewart. If you know how to be pretentious, you know Martha Stewart. There is no escaping this woman.

So imagine this; You are minding your own business one day when you want a creme brulee. You don't have a creme brulee. The logical course of action is to make a creme brulee. The first recipe that comes up is a Martha Stewart recipe when you look online, so you decide to go with it.

You're about halfway through making the desert. Martha says to pop it into the oven for an hour and a half. That time passes, and you take the horrible dessert out of the oven. You brulee it, as is procedure for these things. You grab a spoon, and prepare to dig into it. The spoon is prepared and heading into the dish. The spoon stops on top of the caramelized surface and snaps in half. Martha lied to you. You needed six eggs, not 3. Now all of you have is three and a half wasted hours, and a lovely flambed brick.

Other than her recipes just not working, she says really weird things when she's on her show. There was one episode where she made onion rings, and then immediately made glazed onions. Other than having no idea about why you would do that, she said something irritating about salt. She said, "Make sure you get salt without iodine." UGHH MARTHA. We get it, you live by the coast. Also, iodide and iodine are different things, and we would DIE without iodide. Mrs. Pretentious grandmother over here.

I told my friend, (He's 'The Kong' in my phone) and said, "Just say you sold your soul to the aristocracy and go. That conversation spawned a show that would be much more interesting that "Martha Bakes"

Here I present to you: Martha Bakes: In Hell. "I sold my soul so.... No more food! Bye!" That's what the hell edition of Martha would say. And then we cut to an hour's worth of a black screen with occasional screams and a soft buzzing noise.

In all seriousness, she doesn't really seem like she actually knows what she's doing. She seems confident but sometimes she seems kind of surprised by the outcome of the things that she cooks. If she's baked them before, why is she surprised about it? Also Snoop Dog is there sometimes for some reason???? It's like a combination of Mrs. Pretentious and a guy that nobody remembers who was on trial for murder.

If you're skeptical about her recipes not working, but also about how recipes not working is a big problem in the food world. There's an article about that here. So remember to do your research before buying a cookbook, or following a tutorial. The only reason I say not to follow Martha's recipes is because a larger amount than normal don't work. There are a few cookie recipes and there are multiple cake recipes, particularly french ones. Tell me about your favorite cooking show, and happy baking everyone! Just make sure it works first.

(Just to clarify I don't actually hate Martha Stewart. Some of the things she does just make me mad. She's not actually that bad. She's not the best, but she's not that bad.)



Friday, October 5, 2018

The National Weather Service is my Enemy

The weather forecast for yesterday as well as the rest of this week have been calling for a lot of rain. This is not a normal amount of rain. To be specific, last night, there was a severe weather warning for multiple counties in the state we live in. These counties are generally not scary, but when they're presented by the National Weather Service (NWS), they are the most terrifying thing ever.

There's a TV show called Nova that's on every Wednesday, and as yesterday was Wednesday, there was an episode. This specific episode was about bridges. Seriously. The topic of this documentary episode, was rebuilding covered bridges. So that is literally one of the most mundane things ever. Imagine the most mundane thing you've ever seen, and move it down slightly to make room for the bridge episode.

So here we are, watching a very calming episode, where coincidentally, bridges are destroyed by severe weather, when suddenly, there's the sound. The sound that has been the stuff of nightmares since I was a very young child. Imagine it. A bridge getting destroyed by rising flood waters. And then "EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR. EEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR. EEEEEEEEEEERRRRRR."

Last night when that happened, I was so upset that I wrote a short story about it. The story is as follows:

"Is anyone else terrified of the national weather service thing? You'll be watching a documentary on bridges or something and 'EEEEERRRR'. Stop complaining we get it lmao." The time tag says "0s" and later it didn't. It's a Tuesday. The next day, it will not be a Tuesday. The coming days will bring a tornado. This tornado will be called Micheal.

The time tag on the twitter post now says "1ho." This was a rather rude time tag. I get a notification. Someone replied to my tweet. They said, "Don't complain so loud or the national weather service will hear you." The twitter account then deleted itself. The persons computer had a walrus problem, resulting in a fatal error, and a fatality on the computer.

The time tag on the twitter post says, "2d." Use your imagination to give that meaning. Micheal has come and gone. There was nothing left of the imaginary house I built. I put all of my savings into that imaginary house. The national weather service van pulls up. Yes, they have a van.

Their representative steps out. The whole weather service is in the van. She speaks on behalf of the whole weather service. "Is your name Rhonda?" She asks. "No," I reply, my name having never been Rhonda. She then reaches out and stabs me in the arm. "We don't like getting called a complainer, Rhonda." She then re-entered the van and the national weather service drove away.

The twitter time tag says "3d." Micheal is gone, and so is the national weather service. There was another reply to the twitter post. "Hey Rhonda, it's Micheal," the reply says. I close twitter and sigh. Time to rebuild my imaginary house.

So that's the story. I have no real reason to be mad at the NWS, but, you know, I guess? The weather service thing still scares me, and hopefully it rains tonight so that it freezes and we have an excuse to stay home. Also ice, but mostly I want an excuse to stay home.

Anyway, the Nova website is here if you want to check it out. The NWS link is here if you want to send them a strongly worded letter. If you do, motion them in the general direction of this post. And with that, make sure that you comment with your feelings about the NWS, and remember that eveything you do is an adventure.

Tuesday, August 21, 2018

Top Five Types of Fruit (Plus Short (Mostly Fake) Stories, Plus Ratings)

This particular list is in existence to rate 5 types of fruit on a scale of one to ten on the basis of what I believe the best or worst factor of the fruit, either by flavor, texture, or something different entirely. The stories are directly related to the basis of the rating, but there's no guarantee that they're real. In a way, how I rated them is a mystery until the end of the rating, so you can challenge yourself to figure out how I rated them. Alternatively you can think that they're really dumb. Those are both just suggestions though. I have absolutely no jurisdiction over what you do, and I also have no right to tell you what to do, but if you'll do anything, then perish. And now, on to the list!

5. It's midnight on a Tuesday in November. My older sister walked out of her bedroom to the kitchen for a glass of water. When she pulled the glass out of the cabinet, she didn't see the small spherical object that had snuck into it. She slowly turns on the drinking tap; Sleep hadn't left her yet. She takes a sip. Then another. She then gulps down the rest of the glass, the object going unnoticed. The object gets lodged in her throat and she chokes on it. She died of suffocation. All that we found on the scene was a broken glass, and a single grape. Grapes will forever be my enemy. 2/10 They usually aren't crisp enough. The grape in the glass, was.

4. When I was 13, I read somewhere about the starfruit. I also remember the fated day when I found this particular fruit. My sister insisted that I wouldn't like them (This was before the incident of course), but I couldn't let go of the idea of this starfruit. I raised that starfruit, put it through school. We were all happy, up until starfruits graduation. Starfruit started getting with the wrong crowd, doing despicable things that left a sour taste in my mouth when it recounted what it had done. My sister (bless her soul) was right. I didn't like it. I never did. 5/10 The banana apple mix of flavor doesn't work for me.

3. Picture this: You are laying in your favorite place (bed), scrolling through social media. You are not feeling inspired, but suddenly a post appears on your timeline. It is an orange, the most profitable commercial citron. This particular orange has had its peel cut into the shape of a human, the arms behind its back supporting the fruit itself. You see this inspirational image, you still don't feel inspired, you're mostly creeped out. You start bawling. This is life. This crying child is me, and the pulpy substance we call oranges will forever haunt me.  4/10 Not a fan of pulp, but the sweetness is nice.

2. I remember hot summer days when I was only 5. I would sit on the couch with my mom and we would eat cherries; My mom extracting the pit so that I could have the fruit itself. Things were all good, but nostalgia aside, those freaking pits get EVERYWHERE if you drop what you're keeping them in. I'm absolutely positive that there is still a cherry pit hiding somewhere in my living room. Some nights I can hear it, other nights it manifests physically. If you eat cherries, be sure that you give every single one of them a proper burial, otherwise, they'll never leave. 8/10 Nostalgically sweet.

1. This fruit is very easy to grow here in Kansas, beautiful and simple, but simultaneously not. One of the beautiful berries that you eat almost every day. You put it in cake, you use it in your meals, you use it to cleanse your soul. This fruit is the real OG, but by itself, you don't like it as much. The tomato is there for you, and will always be there for you. This fruit is my friend, and will always have a place in my heart. 10/10 This fruit loves me, and I love it back. The most versatile fruit.

(Bonus) The forbidden fruit. One person at our school ate one, the fabled tide pod. Do not be this person. This is the only real story. Plus tide pods aren't even a fruit. 0/10 Don't be stupid.