What a Wonderful Bad

Wow a blog post! It's been so long.
If you aren't into people being sad, you shouldn't read this. I don't blame you (yet). If you're into feeling emotions(tm), then boy is this the post!
Just a slight disclaimer: I will not he held responsible for any emotion you feel because of this post. I know I'm the one who wrote it, but you're the one who decided to read it. That's basically like signing a contract, trust me on this one I know some stuff about law (sometimes)

Well here we are. Do you feel an emotion yet? That's my patented emotion that we call apprehension. Or possibly irritation. Why? Because I'm not getting to the point. That's because you need some time to decide whether or not you want to turn back. You're welcome.

Things have been kind of not good. We're currently in a short respite from an ongoing problem that feels like it's tearing the very walls apart; ripping the stones from our houses foundation. It's very possible that the foundation is gone already. That's the really scary part. If we leave it behind there will be nothing left for those left in the aftermath.
I don't know what to do. I'm so tired because I've spent so long trying to take responsibility for things that it feels like my life is being replaced by the sense that I need to fix things somehow, even if it's scary or difficult, even if I have to choke down my discomfort to pretend that something will change. It's exhausting to not be able to be angry because I've never been allowed to be. What's worse is that the anger always resurfaces as resentment, only to be buried again in the hope that it will become acceptance. The resentment only ever returns as a guilt for not being able to do anything, and the cycle continues.
And it never really ends. If I try to remove myself, I meet things with defensiveness and a paralyzing need for privacy. I try to reach out to others, and am met with silence more often than a response. At this point I'm not sure if I'm bad at keeping in touch with people, or if I've given up trying to interact in the first place. There's always the uncertainty of "maybe I'm bothering them," or "they're angry at me," and it's the guilt again, and then more disengagement. I even have nightmares about people being upset with me. It feels like there's nothing outside of the windows of this house sometimes, and maybe that's because the curtains are shut to make everyone think that nobody is home. It's no way to live. And I wish it would end so my life could take place instead.