Road Safety PSA

 I am a normal average everyday human being. I wake up in the morning, I drive to various locations, I consume the molecules that contain chemical energy that is useful for my metabolism. I use my turn signal like any other normal person. That's right. Using a turn signal is normal. If you do not, you are the weird one. I don't make the rules. If this is the first time you are hearing the rules you shouldn't be driving. You are a danger to other people on the road, but I digress. I find that many people are unaware of the many different kinds of drivers that are out there and it is important that we are knowledgeable when it comes to drivers.
     When I am driving to various locations (usually places in Wichita) I encounter various species of drivers. The most common is the road-rage grandmother or RRG's for short. My interactions with them in the wild usually go as follows: RRG appears in my rear-view mirror; RRG drives 5 feet behind me for at least 10 minutes to assert dominance; RRG veers off of the highway. Fortunately, these drivers are not usually overtly aggressive and are quite gentle if you interact with them in a controlled environment. I also very commonly see a species that I refer to simply as Mr. Man. A Mr. Man will aggressively swerve in their lane and become visibly agitated when you are going the speed limit. This species has abandoned all sense of self-preservation and is often seen going at least 10 miles above a normal or safe driving speed. If you encounter this species in the wild, I suggest that you drive slowly and attempt to let them pass you as quickly as possible for your safety. Mr Man does happen to have a counterpart that we will simply refer to as Edith. An Edith is a very docile mix between a RRG and a Mr. Man. They are usually spotted going 45 miles per hour. In fact, 45 miles per hour seems to be the only speed they can go and no Edith has ever been spotted going any other speed. This species is quite a pleasant mixture of tame and not realizing that road regulations are there for safety purposes. If you encounter an Edith on your driving adventures, you should just go around them.
   The only species of driver that you should really worry about is the Methhead. Methheads are particularly dangerous, moving at an average speed of 65 miles per hour. Unlike other drivers, this species does not move with a vehicle, making them particularly dangerous to pedestrians and people with artificial cars (The distinction of artificial car is made here as drivers usually have natural cars that grow with them from birth). You will be able to differentiate them from the harmless pedestrian by their eyes. Methheads have a bright green eyeshine. If you see a Methhead, do not attempt to drive away. Methheads are extremely aggressive, and extremely agile and will catch you if you are not careful. If you encounter one, it is best to drive by as slowly as possible while avoiding eye contact. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to use cruise control while a Methhead is nearby. Cruise control is a natural indicator to the Methhead that there is food nearby. Using cruise control makes you a target. AVOID METHHEADS AT ALL COSTS.
     For the safety of the public in these trying times, it is extremely important that everyone educate themselves on this very important topic. It is important that you know not to fear a Road-Rage Grandmother if you see one. It is important that you DO fear a Methhead if you are unfortunate enough to encounter one in the wild. If you are smart, you will be able to avoid the extremely dangerous Methhead. If you do encounter and/or are bitten by a Methhead, it is important that you seek medical care immediately. While there is no antidote for their extremely toxic venom, supportive care is enough to get many people through the worst of the agonizing burning sensations and the crippling feeling of dread. If you believe a loved one has been bitten by a Methhead and is attempting to hide it or treat it themselves, you should SWAT them. Feelings of dread caused by Methhead venom have caused people to do very strange and very dangerous things. My cousin Jeremy tried to treat a Methhead bite at home and he ventured to the Parisian catacombs convinced that there was a being he referred to as "The One of Night" in the deepest depths of the catacombs themselves. Of course this is a ridiculous fantasy and after being apprehended by border control and given proper treatment, he made a full recovery. Fortunately, everybody in law enforcement and other kinds of enforcement were very understanding. Many of the individuals who work these kind of jobs undergo Methhead envenomation as standard training protocol, so they know what it's like. There really is no reason to have fear. Together, we can overcome the dangerous world we live in.