Friday, November 30, 2018

I Promise that I Actually Wrote Legislation Today

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Bauer I'm so sorry. I did actually write legislation today


Here's what it's supposed to look like. Blogger made me very disappointed today.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Thanksgiving Post

I don't have an interesting blog topic
But I do have this teenage mutant ninja turtles cupImage result for teenage mutant ninja turtles cup


So Thanksgiving sucks (It took me like four tries to type that sentence)
Does anyone actually like turkey? It's so dry it's just not even worth it. That is not the point of this post though. I'm going to tell you about the most hilarious thing ever regarding Thanksgiving.

So its like the 1600's and the pilgrims just landed on the land that they illegally immigrated to. They start building some things. They're super busy building some houses because it's winter and that means that they're also busy dying (Very efficiently might I add). These freaking weirdos forgot that they needed food or something???? That's wack

So spring comes around and they've built some things. They're still all starving though. Here enters the Wampanoag tribe. Particularly Tisquantum, whom they called Squanto (As Squanto was not actually his name it's not going to be written that way. Get over it.) Tisquantum teaches them some stuff about fishing and growing some things particularly corn.

Now we have the fun part. The pilgrims have a feast with the Wampanoag tribe and we call it thanksgiving because they were giving thanks to the tribe that kept them from dying. But after the huge celebration, Tisquantum was like, "Yoooooo, we're outta here," and the pilgrims were like, "We owe you our lives."

So here we are many months later. The pilgrims are still dying efficiently. What went wrong? Absolutely nothing. The Wampanoag people taught them how to survive off the land. What they didn't teach them was how to survive off the corn.

If you were to utilize your google-fu, you would realize very quickly that corn does not have pretty much any nutritional value. Did the pilgrims know this? Absolutely not, these guys had no idea what corn was until like a year ago. The Wampanoag tribe however, did know this. They didn't know this in modern terms, but they knew. Contrary to popular belief, Native tribes were not stupid and still aren't stupid. They knew that to get nutrition from the corn, you had to make homminy by soaking the corn in lye. Tisquantum absolutely wrecked the pilgrims, and I'm convinced he knew what white settlers would do to them in the future.

And that concludes what is probably the most savage ownage in all of history. Have a good hecking thanksgiving.


Addendum:
I'm going to say right now that the pilgrims were actually very good to the Wampanoag people. They had no idea how the lack of this information would effect them. The two groups had an alliance for many years, and the loss of life among the settlers was a very bad thing. They lost over half of everyone that had initially sailed to America. Tisqauntum obviously did not do this on purpose.

Thursday, November 8, 2018

I write things sometimes

I write dumb stories sometimes. That's the basis of this whole post.
Recently I've been writing some things that are thematically similar with interpretations of tarot cards. Tarot cards are also kind of dumb so really I guess my dumb stories do them full justice. That is all, and here is the most recent one:

In the old days there was a town that contained a great market. A town in a place along the great sea and past the iron downs that bustled with activity every day; A sea of exchanges. Coins turning hands, goods given in exchange, words passed from person to person. Through the exchange of all, perhaps the most wonderful cane from a man that lived in the middle of it all.
  In the morning, he would watch from the rooftops, his eyes jewels that reflected the liveliness of all he saw. As soon as the market opened, he was among the people in the square, asking for coin. In exchange, he would give what was needed. A poor man given house for the night, or a woman reunited with a lost child. The man made these things a reality without a second thought. Kindness in exchange for kindness.
  And every night as the suns retreat saw the close of the market, he would return to the rooftops, watching the Sun's death, and waiting for the birth of the moon.
    Every night he would visit a tavern to give the coin he had taken in the day. Nothing in exchange for the hollowness found in the cold metal. The keeper of the taverns say nothing and take the coin graciously, knowing he would have it no other way. The man would then take board, to which there would be no complaint. Kindness in return for kindness. The cycle completed.

  The morning once again came, as did the market. There were shopkeepers set up peddling their wares, and mothers with children perusing and haggling. But on this day, the man was nowhere to be seen. It was not spoken, but every man at the market felt this loss. The crippling emptiness as if a friend had no words, or if a lover gave no hand to be held.
    And for the first time, the market came to a gradual stop. An impasse shown in the lack of someone in need. Resolved to find him, the people at the marketplace overran the stalls of goods, ran through every street with a common goal. The man watched this procession, a sense of completeness, but also one of sadness at their passion in searching.
   The people reached the end of the city in their journey for the warmth of the joy the man brought. Seeing nothing else, they found nothing but the cold and misery of a fruitless search. The warmth they knew was no longer, the last alley leading them to the coldness of death.
   The man lay with a knife through his heart, and a missing coin purse. His life taken with his little wealth as if they were the same. The children wept, their mothers unable to hide their shock. The keepers of the shops could find no words as they carried him back to the square. It was there that they rose the stone that made the main street. Digging a place to put their grief to rest.
  The gathered the coin that he had given, all of it unspent and lay it in the grave with him. Watching his simple life buried under stone. United once again in warmth, escaping in each other from the cold world. He watched this with a smile and took to flight, escaping limitless, into the air. A life lived in poverty, rightfully departed in wealth.

I'm not going to link where I post these because the place I post them is also dumb. There isn't anywhere else for it though. I'm also not going to assume that you want to read any more of them because it's rude to make assumptions and also they're not super great. They could be better but meh. Drink some hot cocoa or something and enjoy the snow. If there is no snow when you're reading this, recall a time when there was snow. Now mentally superimpose the snow onto everything around you. Now have some hot cocoa, and enjoy the snow.

Fourth of July post

Now you could say you love the fourth of July, but at this point in my life, it seems like a pointless ritual that we perform every year. "People died to colonize this country," "Cool let's set some things on fire to celebrate." It just seems to get so stale after a while. If I'm spending money to buy things to set on fire, it has to be FUN at the very least.

That's not even the end of it. Sometimes these fireworks are super dangerous. Apparently there's like 8 deaths every single year because of fireworks. What the actual heck people, stop being so stupid. There's also like those various banned fireworks that are super cool but become illegal after being out for like 2 hours. Things like those Chinese floating lanterns that look super cool. And bottle rockets. Apparently these things are super dangerous because they can fly in pretty much any direction, but if you're not being stupid about it, you're not going to get hit by a bottle rocket. Although really can you expect people to be smart about it? There's always a choice in fireworks. You can launch them safely, or you can launch them the fun way. That is unless launching them safely is the fun way. The key to happiness is lowered expectations.
But I have to get to the point now. If I don't somebody will find this post and hiss in disgust when it just trails off into oblivion.

A few years ago, I think it was like 2014, my sister lived with us still. My sister also has some leg problems. That happened a long time ago but the gist of it is that she had to have her Achilles tendon stretched. The takeaway from this is that she can't run very well. That can cause some severe issues if you're ever in a dangerous situation.

Now it's the fourth of July. We never get a huge amount of stuff, but it was a decent amount. Imagine a decent amount of fireworks. Now imagine less than that. That is our decent amount of fireworks. Among these particular explosion things, there was one called Halley's comet. This thing was awesome. We didn't see what it did beforehand, and we never found it again, but it was great. Maybe we haven't found it again because it's illegal now or something.

Anyway. We set that sucker in the middle of our backyard, and my sister lit it. It send up a flame that spun in a really tight spiral and it was great. If you want to know what it looks like, it was almost like if butterscotch could fly and was also on fire. If you can imagine that I'll give you a high-five. Now think of that flaming and flying butterscotch, and imagine it coming directly at your face at like 30 miles per hour.

Turns out that this particular firework likes to shoot out the side rather than up sometimes. So I'm sitting off to the side a bit, and suddenly a huge spiral of fire shoots directly in my general direction. My sister was standing not quite in it's path, but when she saw it coming she BOOKED IT out of there. She can't run well, but she was GONE. Afterwards she was super freaked out and said, "I could have died!" She had stared death in the face. And death is shaped like a spiral of flaming butterscotch that flies directly at your face.