Hello there faithful readers! I know it's been a while, but I thought I would come back with a real treat for you all today! I'm going to share here my absolute WORST brownie recipe that tastes absolutely, indescribably awful.
On those summer days when I work in a garden that's just not hot enough, I go home and make one of these so that I can feel like absolute shit. It's not quite the same as being in 98 degree heat, but it certainly gets the job done! We start with some quality brown rice. You can get it from the grocery store if that's what you're into. Usually, I go out into a field and grab random seeds from various plants and pretend that they're brown rice. It works just fine either way. You absolutely don't need to have a vivid imagination to mask that horribly bitter taste of the field seeds. If you buy your brown rice from a store, remember to think very hard about each grain. It softens some of the pain later.
The second most important part of your hideous brownies is the eggs. I locally source mine from turkey nests in the trees, but again, store bought is fine. If you do buy from the store though, make sure that you crack all of them open before you get home. This is important to keep your eggs from forming a god complex. You have to strike them down for their hubris so that they don't take over your kitchen when you get home.
The final, and most crucial component of this recipe is technique. You certainly can't beat your eggs and expect them to come home again after they're old enough to move out! You have to gently caress your ingredients (Yes this includes every single grain of rice. No ingredient left behind!) and make sure that you tuck them in before putting your horrible emulsion into your oven. This insures that your texture is gritty and grainy due to the unincorporated ingredients. It makes this recipe something that is fit to be served at the devil's dinnertable!
Without further ado, here's the recipe!
1 cup of brown rice
1/2 a cup of bee flour (straight from the bee grinder)
1 bar of Ex-Lax (melted)
A handful of Cocoa powder (Eyeballing it is fine, especially if you don't have hands)
As many eggs as you can fit in your pan
1. Pour the brown rice and bee flour into a large mixing bowl. Use a toilet plunger and plunge until they're thoroughly combined.
2. Start adding eggs. Don't stop. Remember to caress them and tuck them into the mixture afterward!!
3. Have your sleep paralysis demon melt the bar of Ex-Lax. They are very pleasant to work with if you ask nicely.
4. Stream in the melted Ex-Lax as you continue to caress and tuck your eggs into the mixture.
5. Ask your sleep paralysis demon to use a fine, mesh sifter to sift a handful of cocoa powder as you continue to tuck eggs. Make sure that you use your hands to measure the cocoa powder or else the sleep paralysis demon may use it to make a gateway to our dimension to possess your body and burn down your house.
6. As you continuously tuck eggs, pour the mixture into a large baking dish. Scrape the sides of the bowl with the plunger you used earlier.
7. Place the baking dish into your oven (Keep tucking those eggs!) and set your oven to the highest temperature possible.
8. Bake the mixture until it brings dread to your heart and a withering malady has been brought upon your eyes.
9. Allow the mixture to cool for at least one hour.
10. Banish your sleep paralysis demon.
And there it is! I hope that you all vomit as much as you possibly can when you try my disgusting recipe. It is simultaneously uncomfortably dry and ridiculously wet in a malicious way that makes you want to wash your tongue with concentrated base. And who could possibly forget the horrible, hideous crunching of what can only be described as the bitter tears of your now long gone sleep paralysis demon.
Leave a comment with a picture of your own creations! Until next time!
